Stop being a kid?

I love to watch my youngest son play with toys, he’s got such a great imagination and it seems like he never gets tired of it. I have often sat watching him and thought “I hope he never stops being a kid”.

The other day I was talking to a friend who was telling me about someone he knew that was our age, yet looked and acted much older, his words were something like “the guy basically stopped being a kid”. So well put, it really resonated with me and I’m sure we all know someone like that.

On the other side of the coin, some of us take a little longer to stop being a kid (males sometimes fall into this category). For me, I love toys. I don’t mean outdoor toys like boats, ATV’s, Jet Ski’s, etc; I mean toys like the ones you find inside Toys ‘R’ Us, or on a kid’s Christmas list. It may sound ridiculous, but I have an attic full of toys still in their original packaging; Hot Wheels, Disney, Marvel, DC, Aliens, Jurassic Park, Universal Monsters, etc. I used to love to buy and collect them, then I had kids and thought it might be best to route the finances in another direction (food, shelter, transportation, etc). Some of the toys have come in handy during poor Christmases and birthdays, but I still have most of my favorites and I geek out every time I unpack a box to look at them. I used to say I was going to hand them down to my kids, hoping in reality that someday I would get to tear them open and play with them with my kids instead. Yes, as a collector, I know they’ll ‘lose their value’ if I open them, but big deal, I’m not going to sell them anytime soon and probably wouldn’t get rich off them if I did. Besides, I didn’t buy them to resell; I bought them because I liked them. Oh, by the way, I’ve also discovered a benefit of having kids (well, there’s actually more than one), as they outgrow toys and we ask them to clean their toy box, closet, etc, I get to look through everything first and keep the ones I like “Kids, we don’t give away anything Disney, Marvel, DC, Hot Wheels, or anything that was in a Godzilla movie”…so, as I hypocritically make the kids get rid of stuff they don’t play with, I keep the stuff that I like just because the kid in me still likes it. Why? I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s something like when I watch my son play with toys; I escape, imagine, create a new world, and just get to be a kid…because no matter how many grown up situations I’m forced to face, nothing can make me give up being a kid…I mean, what else would I do?

Hopefully, even in these crazy times, you reflect and take at least a moment everyday to have the heart of a kid.

Inspiration block

At some point most of us have been inspired to create; be it art, music, or anything intrinsically fulfilling. But, what about the opposite? Rather than what inspires us, what keeps us from being inspired? From doing the thing that effortlessly moves us into action to do what we feel we are created for?

When we’re inspired there is an overwhelming urge that motivates us to take action to do something we love, something that makes us feel alive, and sometimes (hopefully) even helps or inspires others. But, what if we’re caught up in too many distracting things and we’re not allowing ourselves to be inspired? Work, family obligations, finances, television, social networking, surfing the web, video games, and the list goes on, of things that keep our minds and our time so occupied that there is often no room or welcoming of inspiration. Do we block creative inspiration with the grind of daily life only to replace it with shiny new objects, the bills to pay for them and a brain that is dying to shift into high gear, but has been doomed to a cruise control set at 20 mph?

I know a talented artist that went to school for design, but spends her days behind a desk at a stressful job that for the most part she doesn’t like. She has said that she wishes she could do the work she went to school for, but it doesn’t pay enough. I don’t criticize her for this, I know she’s doing what she has to do to live the lifestyle she wants to live. But, I sometimes feel bad that she doesn’t get to create, and I can’t help wondering if the mental strain from the job keeps her from being creatively inspired? Is life and the rat race getting in the way of her doing something that makes her feel alive? I’m sure we all know someone in the same situation…maybe even ourselves at times (I know I’m guilty of it).

As you read this, are you thinking about something in your life that is blocking your inspiration? Or are you rushing to finish this last sentence so you can go create a masterpiece?

Flatlining

This is a long one.

I haven’t talked about this much at all, but I’ve been dealing with a ‘medical condition’ since the beginning of 2012 (actually longer than that, but recently with more frequency) that has had me distracted and slightly out of communication for a while. For some reason I will black out (faint) for no apparent reason, and then have a seizure. It’s happened before and Doctors cannot figure out why. I went to ER for it the first week of January, and again about 10 days later while at a trade show in California. I went through all the normal scans and tests and finally ended up at a Neurologist who figured out that the fainting is what is causing the seizures. So, of course the question is ‘what’s causing the fainting?’ Here’s the play by play on the final test that determined what was going on…I thought it was going to be just another test.

March 8 2012

I went into St. Thomas hospital for a tilt table test to try to determine what is causing me to black out unexpectedly (and then have a seizure). What is a tilt table test? Basically they lay you down on a table (strapped down) for 10 minutes, then they tilt the table up and stand you at a 70 degree angle for forty minutes, all while, hooked to an IV, EKG, and blood pressure monitor (you can’t have anything to eat or drink for at least six hours prior to the test). The object of the test is to force you to faint, or at least come close. If you faint (which would normally happen in the standing position), they lay you back down and you wake up. I figured I had it in the bag and would make it through the test without fainting, boy was I wrong. I did the first 10 minutes fine (the hardest part was not falling asleep). Then the nurse, Emily, stood me upright and I could immediately feel myself getting dizzy, typically the same thing that happens when you stand up too fast from a sitting or laying position. I told Emily I was feeling a little dizzy, and expected it to pass a few seconds later and I would be fine, that’s the last thing I remember. The next thing I know I can feel the same feeling I’ve had during these episodes; it’s sort of like trying to wake from a bad dream, as if I’m in a place that I just want to get out of. I was able to hear Emily asking me if I was ok, and I could see her face, but I could not respond. I felt my arms hanging off the side of the table and was able to raise them to my sides, hoping she would take this a a sign that I was ok (no idea why I thought that). I could also feel my right foot moving, tapping on the foot rest in what seemed like a consistant patterned rhythm, in my mind thinking it might get someone’s attention. Apparently, I was actually having/coming out of a seizure at that moment. As I started waking up, feeling the sweat on my forehead, I could see Emily looking down at me asking ‘are you ok?’ I replied ‘I guess so…I don’t think I expected that to happen’. She laughed and at the same time I heard the laughter of a second person in the room, another female nurse (I was still in a ‘fog’ and didn’t ask her name, we’ll call her Julie). The following conversation took place.

Julie: (excitement in her voice): wow, you did good!

Me: I did?

Emily: Yes, you were out in less than four minutes!’

Me: ok…and that’s a good thing?’

Emily: Yes, I think that’s a new hospital record!

Julie: Do you want to see your chart?’ (referring to the EKG)

Me: Sure

Julie then held the chart up in front of me, I couldn’t quite make it out at first. 

Me: what am I looking at?

Julie: The straight line, you flatlined buddy!

Me:…sigh…what?

I looked at the paper for a few seconds and thought ‘man, I always do everything so extreme, I don’t know why I’m like that’. The reality of it just didn’t sink in immediately. The excitement from the nurses was rather odd, but I just figured maybe they don’t see such activity everyday. Emily called the Dr. that ordered the test to let him know the results, then she told me that he wanted to see me when I was finished (of course, I’m wondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing). Then I ask (the dumb question) ‘so, is flatlining a normal occurance during this test?’ ‘No’ Emily said ‘I think that’s why the Dr. wants to see you, he may want to give you a pacemaker or something to keep it from happening again’. At this point I’m thinking ‘what?, a pacemaker? you have got to be kidding? I’m in great shape (visualizing Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s body in his prime, but with my head on it) I finished P90X AND Insanity and I’m in better shape than guys I know who are almost half my age!’. Of course, at this point the fantasy bubble pops and the all too common thought of the fragility of life and how I’m not really in control comes into focus, and then I start wondering if this day is even real.

Now, I know there are many who are/have been in much more severe health circumstances that me and I’m not looking for pity or to compare notes (hence the reason I haven’t written about this stuff until now). But, the experience brought to my reality how fast life can change, how we should live for every minute, every day as if it’s our last, and all the other cliche stuff we’ve heard so many times. As I  write this days after the event, the whole flatlining part still freaks me out. I keep trying to ignore it and think it was no big deal, but…heck, it sort of is a big deal to me, and I sit here trying to wrap my head around it;  the questions, the thoughts, the thankfulness that God is patient with me even though once in a while he has to go to extreme to get my attention…it just sort of messes with me, ya know? One of those defining moments I’ll remember forever.

What the Doctor said. Well, he explained it much better than I can, but in a nutshell, I’m prone to fainting for no apparent reason (not too uncommon in the research I did) because my blood pressure bottoms out, so I have to take meds the rest of my life to keep it from happening (I thought I’d at least make it to my 50′s before having get on medication).

My point? I know you’ve heard it many times, and I’ll say it again because after this crazy experience it means more than ever: life is precious, cherish every minute of it. Not an original thought, I know, but a sincere one.

If you’ve got a similar story, I’d love to hear it.

Thank you if you’ve read this entire entry, I know it took a few minutes out of your life. I’m working on an art project called ‘bookmarks’, which consist of (you guessed it) bookmarks with original art on them (yes, I know ‘paper’ books are on their way out, but I haven’t been able to break the habit). If you shoot your mailing address to tony@tonydelarosa.com I’ll send you one as a gift for taking the time to read this. I’d offer to send you on a cruise, but I can’t, so you’ll have to settle for the bookmark this time around.

If today were the last (part 2)

I’ve thought about this previous post several times; what it says, who it’s for, and how it really fits into the reality of my life (maybe yours too).

On an average day I wake early, work out, get ready for work, help get kids ready for school, spend the day at the office (half stressed and half loving my job), eat a healthy balanced lunch and dinner (lots of fruit and veggies), spend time with the wife and kids, read, draw or create music, then off to bed. No complaints, I have a good life with an interesting and unique life story to go along with it. But…if it really were my last day I’d wake before the sun rises, skip the workout, call off work, keep the kids home from school, write the best song ever, eat pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I’d share as much time as I could with those I love, laughing and telling stories late into the night.

I always find the ‘last day of your life’ question an interesting one to hear people answer.

A different church experience

I was in church Sunday and my heart was closed, the useless words of the pastor bouncing off me like flimsy man made spears off of a dragon’s armored skin. I couldn’t help thinking of Eustace Scrubb in C.S. Lewis‘s book ‘Voyage of the Dawn Treader‘.

Suddenly I have the armored skin of a dragon and nothing can hurt me. The Pastor hurls his words and I stand there motionless, not even feeling them as they bounce off my armored scales. I try to curl up and go to sleep to avoid the distraction, tucking my head under my wing and curling my tail around me, but I can’t avoid the annoyance of the pastor’s words. A puff of smoke escapes my nostrils as I sigh and lay my head on the ground looking at the pastor so small and vulnerable. He has no armor or sword, no weapons to use against me…I guess it would be unfair for me to fight him…maybe if I just ignore him he’ll give up and go away. No, he just keeps standing there talking with a smile on his face…what’s he so happy about anyway? I feel the anxiety build up inside me and I want to stand up and scream, or at the very least whip him with my tail.  But, I’m a noble dragon and it would be in bad form to take action against such a ‘non warrior’ as this man, so I will simply outwit him with my patience (and my uncanny ability to ignore his every word).

Time passes and the message of his words wear on. Does this guy ever give up? I wonder.  He’s not a very smart man to try the patience of a dragon. And though I really want to take him for a fool, I realize he has no fear of me, and total faith that he will win this battle; a battle he is not even fighting, yet in my heart, I know he’s winning. As the message winds down, I start to tire and lose my focus. ARRGH! I feel the sting of one of his words as it penetrates my skin and suddenly I barely have the strength to stand. The words now feel like spears ripping into my flesh and I try to run away as they come at me with increased speed and frequency. Then it happens, he hits my heart and I feel myself falling to the ground in slow motion. I don’t want to be a dragon anymore, though I believed I could be one forever just a minute earlier. Then, little by little, his piercing words feel like hands, painful at first as they tear the scaled skin away from my body, eventually feeling like strong loving hands, pulling me out of the dark shield of the armored skin and standing me up in a sea of light. I feel tired, I feel ashamed, I feel loved.

I didn’t make this up because I wanted to write a story, I wrote it down because in my head this is how it happened. It’s not the first time I’ve been distracted in church, and it won’t be the last. I pray for a strong Godly focus in everything I do, but I fail frequently. Fortunately, I get lots of tries to get it right, even though I never will. Thank you Lord for your patience!

Comments?

Take charge of the New Year; 7 ways to start 2012

This isn’t about resolutions, it’s about kicking the brain sludge loose and doing something out of the ordinary.

1) Call a friend or family member you haven’t talked to in a while.You can get over the awkward silence by saying ‘I guess if I called you more often there wouldn’t be this awkward silence’

2) Don’t watch TV for a week (or even a month). Nothing against TV, but the time you’re investing in watching it could be keeping you from performing acts of greatness. Better to film events in your own life and create a reality show where others will watch you on TV (or at the very least on Youtube).

3) Google your name and see what comes up. Others are Goggling you, so you may as well do it so you know what others are seeing, if it’s not something you like, figure out what you have to do to change it (hint; Google ‘personal brand’ for some possible resources).

4) Stop your exercise program. If you had a 2011 ‘I’m going to get into shape’ New Year’s resolution that you actually stuck to, congratulate yourself and take a few days off. Eat some junk food while you’re at it and you’ll revitalize your desire to get back to the gym.

5) Read a book not on the New York Times Best Sellers List. Get two copies, give one to a friend to read and talk about it afterward.

6) Try to go a FULL day without complaining. If you make it, go for two (no offense, but do you really think anybody cares what you say when you’re complaining anyway?).

7) Make your opinion heard. If you like, dislike, or have an opinion on something that you believe everybody in the world should hear, make a video about it and post it on Youtube.

Bonus #8 – Learn to play a musical instrument (guitar anyone?); it’s the coolest thing ever!

OK, now it’s your move.

Thoughts?

Reality (mine or someone else’s?) check please

Image by PNASH via Flickr

I recently ‘parted ways’ with a client at work and it didn’t happen amicably (unfortunately). After sending an official ‘termination’ letter to him I received a reply back with some scathing remarks about me, who I am, and how I do business. It set my blood boiling, and because of that I didn’t respond immediately. A day or so later, I received a second email from this person saying ‘you don’t even have the guts to respond to my emails’ (he actually used a different word in place of guts). Yep, that made me even happier about the situation and I realized that my initial response to the email would only incur who knows how much back and forth email banter. I replied back suggesting that maybe it was better if we actually talked rather than email to each other, not even sure what we would talk about, but hoping we could address any further issues, as it was never my intent to become enemies or create any bad blood.

Shortly afterward I had a thought that I hadn’t (or maybe didn’t want to) consider; what if what he said about me was true? If not in my reality, maybe in his? The entire situation was re-framed in my mind, now I was dying to know if that’s what he really thought of me, or if he was just venting at the time he wrote the email and his comments were simply a defense mechanism.

Unfortunately, he wouldn’t talk to me after that, so I may never know, and maybe that’s for the better. The odd part is that I’m thankful to the guy for responding to me the way he did, I mean what a way for me to question whether or not my charming personality needs improvement! I know I won’t please everybody, but it really made me stop and take a look at myself from another perspective to try see what others see, something I can probably do a little more often.

Do you think the reality of how you see yourself is the same as that of your friends, family, and people you work with?

More pitch correction please…?

Image by silverfuture via Flickr

I went to my daughter’s middle school music program the other night and have to give props to the kids that participated. While I did enjoy the program, a big part of my attention was on the band director/chorus instructor Mr. D. As I watched and listened to the chorus perform, I couldn’t help thinking about all the work and…well, frustration Mr. D must have went through to pull this musical program together. I sat there wondering what is must be like for him to go through all those years of musical training only to have to listen a group of (more than likely) inexperienced sixth graders sing their sometimes off pitch hearts out while his ears scream “what the heck is going on? I’m sure Mr. D likes his job (hopefully he loves it), but I wonder if he wanted to pound his head against the wall at times? If he had the choice would he use pitch correction on the kids? A studio back ground track? A slick high dollar producer? All I can say is that I’m glad he didn’t do any of that, he did his best to make the kids shine, and they did; pure voices in the rawest form with no pitch correction, polished production, or modern studio tricks. I loved every minute of it.

I don’t know what anybody else (save my wife and kids) thought about the show, but I do know that Mr. D has my respect and appreciation for being patient and teaching his art to others.

Hopefully we’re all teaching what we know to others.

Creative drought?

Sometimes creative ideas flood my brain faster than I can write down or record them. Other times it’s closer to a drought, like I actually have to put ‘work’ into it…that frustrates me.  Enter this great post via J. Michael Dolan

http://www.jmichaeldolan.com/comment.php?blogid=170

Thanksgiving with the kids

Today will be my fourth Thanksgiving meal this month. The first three were with the kids at their schools and I’m proud to say, I lived through all three of them, brief synopsis below (there may be a parent or two that can relate). 

Son #2 was first and if you have ever wondered, elementary school cafeteria food has not changed, it was pretty brutal. The best (or worst) part was the cold turkey, not turkey that was once warm and has cooled down, no, this was right out of the refrigerator chilled, probably would have been good on a Subway sandwich (and inspired my three turkeys story).  The dressing was actually pretty good…or maybe I was just so hungry it was the best option at the time. Of course, the best part of the lunch was spending time with wife and son, but after eating in the cafeteria I wonder if I should fear for my child’s health when he buys lunch? 

Son #1 was the first of two middle school lunches on the same day. The food was a step up; actual potatoes vs. instant mashed potatoes, but the stuffing looked like it was from last Thanksgiving, I think it could have been lifted out of the serving tray all in one piece…and it looked like carpet padding (yes, I ate it, wasn’t as good as the dressing at son #2′s school). The turkey wasn’t cold…well, it was cold, but at least at one point during that day it was warm and wasn’t right out of the refrigerator. It was cool hanging out with my son, though he’s at the age when he is focused on talking to his friends more than me, I love him to death and I’m glad he asked me to join him.

Daughter was the last lunch of the day…and yes, I was already full, but saved a little room after son #1′s lunch. I had more of their lunch meat type turkey with canned gravy and was happy to see daughter grab a big serving of green beans (I don’ t do green beans, one of the few veggies I don’t care for…yet, my wife continues to serve them for dinner on a regular basis and I still can’t figure out why).  We talked through the entire lunch and she told me about all her school friends. I loved every minute of it and even felt a little heartbroken as I thought about how fast she is growing up.

So today, I hope you are able to take a few minutes to really focus on what you are thankful for…and then grab some real food, I’m seriously craving a piece of real turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving!